Today I had kidney stone surgery. I have had this about 10 times. Today was different. Very different.
Walk in with a mask. Take your temp. Everything is spaced out.
I got taken up on the elevator. The pre-op, post-op, and operating rooms are right next to each. You don’t get your own rooms anymore. There is no far transportation for safety. No tv. No family members allowed. Family members can’t see you until your discharged. Pure Silence. Everyone is in masks.
I waited from 10:30 to 3:30 for surgery. My surgery was for 12:30. I didn’t get home until 6. Everything was spaced out for safety and COVID.
I haven’t been in movie theater since 2018. Before that was 2017. Before that was years and years ago. Movie theaters give me anxiety. It doesn’t matter how many people are there.
On 3/1/2020, I tried again and I did it this time. I say through the whole movie. I didn’t walk out once. I avoided movie theaters my whole life. I would only go once in a blue moon. This time I did. The first time since I was 12. It felt like a huge weight off my shoulders. It was such a great feelings. I walked out of there feeling like I ran a marathon.
Last month, I ate in public without no anxiety. I went back to the small pizza shop I tried in 2018. This time, I ate the whole slice. No thoughts of choking. No tight chest like last where I only ate like two bites and froze. I walked out of there feeling like a million dollars.
This stuff means so much to me.
I’ve had issues eating in public since I had a major panic attack in 2017 and I got rushed to the hospital. I thought I was dying. After that, my life got turned upside down. I’ve been diagnosed with GAD since I was 16.
Some of you may wonder why it’s so hard. All I know is that I took a massive panic attack in September 2017 and after that it changed. I was completely fine before. I wasn’t able to eat at work OR in public. It took me 2 years to even eat in a small place. I tried eating in places a few times but I didn’t eat far. Last month, I ate a whole slice of pizza without even a feeling any anxiety. I can’t tell you what an accomplishment that feels like. I felt like I won the lottery. I will continue to try to eat in small places before I go into a bigger spot. I never thought I would get this far with that. I don’t like when people ask “why aren’t you eating”. I don’t like telling people because of being judged so only a few people know. It’s mentally exhausting.
It’s 10:30 at night and I am sitting here dealing with a anxiety attack. No way is it fun. No I didn’t choose to be like this. Anxiety started happening when I was 16. I knew I had it way before that time though Would I like to not be like this? Yes. Some people don’t understand my anxiety in certain situations. They tell me it’s easy and it’s not a big deal. Well, it’s a big deal to me and I wish it wasn’t. People won’t take a second to try and understand I feel. Like I say, be put in my shoes. You will feel what I’m feeling. It’s not fun. I am trying to catch my breath and it feels like I have no control over my body. I want to go to sleep but I can’t. It’s a very scary feeling.
Anxiety is terrible. I was doing good for so long and it just hit me out of nowhere for the past couple of days. It’s just annoying.
The thing about anxiety is, I look fine on the outside but on the inside I am freaking out internally.
People always say,
“You can go out”
“You look fine”
In reality, that doesn’t mean shit. I drive and I work, yes. I still have to do both though. I still get anxiety. I deal with it. I’m lucky I could. Sometimes I can’t. It hits me like a ton of bricks and feels like I’m drowning.
People might say “that sucks”. Well, this is my life and I’ve learned to deal with it. I figured it could be a lot worse.
Btw, people who don’t work because of a medical issue/ anxiety etc, don’t make fun of them. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DEALING WITH.
Adam, why? Why? This breaks my heart. I still can’t believe this. I wish I could drive past your house and see you outside and beep. I wish i could see you hanging by your motorcycle. No, you weren’t weak. You wanted to escape. I get it. I wanted to escape in the past. I wanted to die. It’s hurts me to know you were in that much pain. You were such a good friend. You would give off the shirt off your back. I’ll never know why you really left. Thank you for your company. I will keep pushing towards my recovery. Please come see me in my dreams. I would love to see you again. I fucking love you. You’ll always hold a special place in my heart. Say hi to Jake and give him a kiss.
I don’t really have a title for this. I wish I was normal and could do normal activities. It’s just so hard and it kills me. My sister doesn’t even begin to understand. She just screams at me and tells me to grow up. She doesn’t get it and never will and that’s okay. I realized. She doesn’t need to get it. A lot of people don’t get it unless they live it. I can explain to her until I am blue in the face. I don’t think she cares to get it.
When I go in a restaurant, I can’t eat. If I try, my throat feels like it’s going to close. Have I always been like that? No. I haven’t. I’ve been good in restaurants. I used to go out a lot and eat out. It’s paralyzing. I have tried twice. Once in December 2017 at Waffle House and one in spring 2018 at a pizza place. I understand if I won’t try I won’t get anywhere. It’s easier not to do it then do it.
During that time, I started also started having bad panic attacks while driving and the same thing would happen. Has that stopped? For the most part, yes. It still sometimes happens. I’ve been through very bad ones while driving and I feel like I’m going to die. When it happens, I just tell myself I have gotten through worse. It’s crippling. I have to drive because I have to get to work. I was considering working from home.
It started happening back in 2017 after a very bad experience with some people. My whole life spiraled out of control.
I got diagnosed with GAD when I was 16. I was sitting at the computer and it felt like bricks fell on my chest.
I feel like I had anxiety earlier than that. My parents fought my whole childhood.
I couldn’t eat lunch in high school from grades 9-12. I would just throw my lunch away or I would stuff it in my purse to eat in the bathroom. My friends would laugh at me. I never opened up to them either. Stigma is bad and I knew that. I couldn’t sit in some of my classes. My teacher would just let me walk out when I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was able to take my tests in the hallway too. They were very kind. I had a hard time in the movies as well. I would need to walk out multiple times. My mouth would get so dry. I never had an issue with restaurants though.
I started Paxil and Xanax age 16. When I went to college @ 18, I would get panic attacks in some classes and would have to walk out. I got increased up to 1mg Paxil and it made me fall asleep on the bus. I got put back down to 0.25 after.
When I was 26, I got put on lexapro. It was terrible. I was on it for 4 months. I gained a ton of weight. I was depressed. At that time, I had multiple kidney stones and wanted to just end it. I went to my doctor that December and told him I wanted off. I had side effects for a week. I took day long panic attacks. I was just on Xanax until I was 28.
I took a major panic attack at my new job. I was rushed to the hospital. My body was completely numb. At that time, I was very stressed out over money and dealing with toxic people. My doctor put me on Prozac. That was hell.
Prozac made me completely numb. I was on it for two weeks. I was gasping for air. I didn’t know why. I finally looked up the side effects.The one day I didn’t take it and all the symptoms went away. I called my doc and they said don’t stop taking it until we tell you (but I already did) I had withdrawal symptoms only for three days. I felt sick and had a pounding headache.
Now I am on nothing but Xanax. I don’t take it everyday. But it helps. I really try and keep away from any medication.