Medication

I am going to talk about medication.

I got diagnosed with GAD when I was 16. I was sitting at the computer and it felt like bricks fell on my chest.

I feel like I had anxiety earlier than that. My parents fought my whole childhood.

I couldn’t eat lunch in high school from grades 9-12. I would just throw my lunch away or I would stuff it in my purse to eat in the bathroom. My friends would laugh at me. I never opened up to them either. Stigma is bad and I knew that. I couldn’t sit in some of my classes. My teacher would just let me walk out when I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was able to take my tests in the hallway too. They were very kind. I had a hard time in the movies as well. I would need to walk out multiple times. My mouth would get so dry. I never had an issue with restaurants though.

I started Paxil and Xanax age 16. When I went to college @ 18, I would get panic attacks in some classes and would have to walk out. I got increased up to 1mg Paxil and it made me fall asleep on the bus. I got put back down to 0.25 after.

When I was 26, I got put on lexapro. It was terrible. I was on it for 4 months. I gained a ton of weight. I was depressed. At that time, I had multiple kidney stones and wanted to just end it. I went to my doctor that December and told him I wanted off. I had side effects for a week. I took day long panic attacks. I was just on Xanax until I was 28.

I took a major panic attack at my new job. I was rushed to the hospital. My body was completely numb. At that time, I was very stressed out over money and dealing with toxic people. My doctor put me on Prozac. That was hell.

Prozac made me completely numb. I was on it for two weeks. I was gasping for air. I didn’t know why. I finally looked up the side effects.The one day I didn’t take it and all the symptoms went away. I called my doc and they said don’t stop taking it until we tell you (but I already did) I had withdrawal symptoms only for three days. I felt sick and had a pounding headache.

Now I am on nothing but Xanax. I don’t take it everyday. But it helps. I really try and keep away from any medication.

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Part 2

S was always the guy who “loved” being with me but treated me like I was nothing. He would bring me up but then bring me right down. We first started talking August 2016. He didn’t know what girl to chose and I should have left then. He would get mad when I wouldn’t pick up him a coffee. Him and “our” friend. He would tell me I’m unique and he never took a walk in the park with a girl.(I laughed). He brought me down to my lowest. S was always the one when I said “no” he would throw a fit so I would give in… and also giving into money.. multiple times.. (yes I’m in debt) he would manipulate me into things. He told me if I bought him a car.. he would do the repairs. Nope. He sold me a hum. I ended up calling Verizon about another charge. I told them i didn’t understand the hum. They messaged his manager because he misinformed me. He told him I owed him 600$ for commission. Because he lost it. He ripped me a new ass, calling me all these names. I had $600 from the accident I had. I was coming home from seeing him and my tire flew off my car going 80. Almost died, could have died. I didn’t, I’m thankful. He didn’t give a crap. He came up here, I doubt, and lost his wheels. He ended up in the hospital. I don’t think so. He screamed my head off because I didn’t care. Two days, prior he got his tires slashed. WHICH I REVERSED SEARCHED THE PIC THE MONTH AFTER AND FOUND IT ON A BLOG SITE, you fucking liar. A week later, he needed service on his car and I told him I didn’t have money and he said “well, I don’t know what you wanna do because I can’t drive it so take your car back” I told him to find a ride to work. I left him there with no car. He took the last 60 dollars in my wallet and didn’t care if I had money for gas. He got pissed. He would make me feel bad when I would say no. He would throw stupid shit into my face. If I said something one day to him and the same thing the next day but different wording, he would tell me I was lying and that’s not what I said yesterday. if I didn’t want to see him on a weekend, he would tell me “well you came down last weekend what’s the deal, are you with another guy?” So I would go see him. I never stayed with him. Always in a hotel. I always paid for us eating. We would always drive my car even tho he ended up getting one through me. I’m talking like 200 miles one way plus. I never met any one his friends in my area because he said they were mean. In his area, I didn’t either. He told me, well I talk about you to them all the time. The one day I was so mad… I asked if he was embarrassed of me.. he stated “no, I showed you to my counselor”. Ok big deal??? What about your parents or friends.. he told me eventually… so I just gave up asking.. He told me to get off my anxiety meds but I was having bad side effects… the one night he cursed at me multiple time on the phone and i told him to stop and he heard me crying and kept doing it. I blocked his number and he texted me and called me from 5 different numbers. I got scared and unblocked him. He would threaten me (not like killing me). He would tell me if I didn’t do something he wouldn’t talk to me ever again. The only bad part like I said is that he worked with me and then moved states. All the girls in the work place was friends with him and they always gave me dirty looks. No one ever knew my side. Everyone thought he was such a great person but he wasn’t. With our friend, he told me he thought it was rude I didn’t buy him a gift and he tried to make me buy him 4 brand new tires for his car and I said no. He didn’t talk to me for a few days. He told our friend he hated the one dress I wore. He literally told me I was selfish and only thought of myself. He told me I was self-centered. He told me I never asked about how he was. I didn’t care about anyone but myself. He said I needed to think of a way to fix the lying when I never did. He told me we should write a contract which I thought was a joke. The one time, he didn’t get his way and he drove my car 80 miles down a highway and i didn’t say one word because I was scared. Another time, he had road rage and we almost got into an accident. Well, I pretended to lose my phone for a couple days. I told my parents what he did to me. I told “our” friend that. He went back and told him. “S” called me and called me a coward.. told me I ran to mommy and daddy. “Our” friend was a big drama starter and was like the middle man which I hated. He always switched things around and would make me look like a dumbass and I would get screamed at. I couldn’t even text “S” without him telling me I was being a bitch. They both ended up taking money for me. Whatever I told “our” friend, he would tell him when it was non of “s” business. I told “our” friend not to tell him what I said. He would. “S” would tell me… “I know you don’t tell me everything and you don’t wanna”. The last time I went down to see “s” he was acting very shady. I found out he was selling something… not good. I confronted him and he said he wasn’t doing that. I knew what my eyes saw when I was in the car. I never went back after that. They owe me both money and they aren’t paying me. “S” told me multiple times he would pay me and never did. He went to three places when we were with each other to go see his friends and then I got suspicious. He stranded me for a night and I told him I was sick of this. He came back and told me he was worried about me. I told them before I didn’t want to be here anymore. Did they care? No. Our friend paid me for months and then stopped. I blocked both of them for my sanity. Our friend would manipulate me too. They were both very toxic to my health.

too much to handle

I really don’t know where to start here. I’ll guess I’ll start with August 2016. I met a guy through my last job (we will call him S) who I thought was “normal” but that wasn’t the case. I had a crush on him so we starting talking. In the beginning, he didn’t want to give his number out but when he did we had to have a group chat. Then after that, it was always three way. I felt like he understood me and I liked that. It was nothing like that though. We started talking and went to Tgi’s Friday’s like twice but not alone. We went with a friend from work. I told someone at work that I was going to Colorado to meet someone. Well apparently he found out I was still going mad he flipped shit on me. We were talking for a month. I cried. He ended up telling me he couldn’t trust me and blah blah. So, he got moved to another team because they got moved around. He started talking to this girl and told my friend “he had to chose who was hotter” and he even asked him if my sister was hot. I should of left then. But nope. We met at a hotel and he never showed up. I waited for him for 2 hours. He would never show me to his friends because he told me they were mean. The next day I couldn’t get in touch with him and I found out he was getting drunk with that girl the previous night. He stopped talking to me because he couldn’t trust me or some shit. He would diss me to my friend and tell me I should end up on the 6th floor of Moses Taylor because I was mental. He literally talked to this girl for a couple months. He left the state and moved to Washington D.C. I drove 4 and a half hours to see him and he never showed up in December 2016. I should of learned the first time. I felt like an idiot. He wanted me to come down and see him blah blah bc he missed me so much and he was sober. So the next day he calls me and tells me he got drunk and couldn’t drive. Well wait, he told our friend to tell me… I don’t get that… still… so after that, I blocked his ass. Then in January, I stated talking to a new guy who I thought was normal. He seemed okay. He was always on his phone and i didn’t get that. He stopped talking to me in two weeks because I tried anal and he said anal is for gay guys. Not even kidding you. I cried because I thought we got along okay. But he was hiding a ton of shit from me. He went to that bar that night and brought a girl home. I went back to the other guy. I told him I was talking to someone else and he told me if I was happy with the other guy just tell him and he would be okay with it. I talked to him for like two weeks. The other guy came back and I changed my phone number and didn’t talk to S or our one friend, I don’t know what the fuck was wrong with me. Btw, both of them( S and our friend) manipulated me multiple times. So I was really mean to our one friend so he knew something was up. Oh well. So I talked to J for one week and he stopped talking to me in a week because he was talking to his ex and didn’t want to hurt me blah blah. Even tho he wanted me back so bad. Joke. So I went back to S again and changed my phone number back. We probably were talking for a week or so and I ended up going down to VA. It was a fun night but I stayed in a hotel. We went to see a horse race and he brought someone with me who he said was a AA counselor….. he asked me for 200$ bc he was trying to save our relationship so I did it… which was dumb… again.. so whatever.. he’s like you just got paid you have money.. I’m like I have bills??? Anyways, I went down another 7 times between march to may.. that was the biggest mistake.. he manipulated me into so many things I wanted to say no too but I was scared… told him I was losing my Job and he told me it’s not expensive to come down here.. which it wasn’t but still.. staying in a hotel every night WAS.. it came to the point where he couldn’t get his way he would get very mean and would threaten me.. our friend wanted to sell a car and he tells me “don’t you want S to come up here? You should help him. Plus I want to sell it and it would help all of us. Hahaha what a joke.. I took the loan out… they both got into my head so bad you have no idea.. we drove the car down to VA.. he got the loan, our friend got the money.. I went down there one night because he had surgery or something… and he ended up telling me he lost his job and it was my fault.. he sold me a hum and I called Verizon and a completely different reason and they asked out the hum and I was confused and they sent a email to his boss.. and he said he lost over 600 commission.. granted the hum saved me that night bc I was driving home and I was going 80 and my tire flew off my car and it was 660 to bring it all the way back home.. so thank you hum but I’m getting rid of you at the end of the month.. he ripped me a new asshole telling me I put him on probation with his job and I owed him 600. The next month, I gave him 300 for tires bc he said they were slashed. The next month, I re googled the search and found out he stole the picture offline off of a car site.. I also gave him 150 to get out of jail but I know he really was because he called from there.. I gave him 200 for rent or else he was gonna get kicked out.. I was done.. I went down one time and he left me stranded in my car freezing cold because he friend got beat up and he had to go to the hospital with him.. the last time I went down he left me for 3 hours and I drove away and left and didn’t answer him and blew his shit up. He didn’t answer me for three days. He always said he wanted to work things out but never would. Anyways, I went back to J and he would tell me how much he missed me. I talked to him for about two weeks and stopped talking to him. He was texting me from textfree numbers and I would block him. I blocked all of them out of my life forever. I will get into details more.